I am not going to be pretentious here and say that I've never longed for a romantic relationship when I was single. I did, though only for brief moments. I know, I'm not very relatable. It was not all-consuming like I have seen on others. But I did feel it from time to time. Being involved in a romantic relationship (however that may look) when you're young was an easy source of validation, albeit a wrong one. To be chased by boys, or a boy for that matter, was proof to the world of my beauty, meekness, and charming personality.
Granted, it was different to be single in your teenage years than say, your late 20s or early 30s (the age group most of my close friends belong to) but I will also say I've been single all my life until J and I went official. I was 21.
As a teenager, I distanced myself from boys. Scared to awaken love before it was ready. Scared to give the devil a foothold. True Love Waits, you know. And it was not enough to not do anything physically. I also made sure that my mind & soul was "pure". It's better to avoid temptation than to resist it, as even though the spirit is willing, the flesh is weak. I even had accountability partners in the form of peers and leaders, who are constantly on guard for any contact I have with the opposite sex. Yes, it was pretty extreme and this is just the tip of the iceberg.
But even when I left the church and was cool with entertaining boys, I was branded a strong, independent woman for being single and not miserable about it. For not being marupok. For being a proud cynic. I am more scared of looking stupid, desperate, or pathetic for love & affection—it would be an obvious display of weakness—than I was of being lonely. In fact, I don't like being around those who are boy-crazy, to this day. I hate that they give men that much power.
And so, while I did get lonely from time to time, I didn't go straight to romance to turn things upside down. I surrounded myself with friends, especially those that liked me and made me feel good about myself. Instead of seeking companionship, I learned to enjoy my own solitude. Instead of tirelessly getting to know someone else without the guarantee that it will be worth my while, I got to know myself. My zodiac sign, my MBTI Personality Type, my Enneagram, my favorites, my irks, my interests, my beliefs, and my disbeliefs. As you can see, I'm a very opinionated person and know almost immediately where I stand, or at least lean on certain issues. I learned to love myself and overcame insecurities without depending on another inconsistent and imperfect person. Instead of resisting it, I got comfortable with loneliness. (Caution: can be addicting!) Initially, it was because I had no other choice being the religious Christian girl that I was but then later on because I did not make romance my go-to choice.
I had a wonderful time getting to know myself and learning to love and advocate for myself.
I didn't know it back then. Misery can easily conflate good and bad experiences especially when you're in the moment. And so only in hindsight do I say that I had a wonderful time getting to know myself and learning to love and advocate for myself. I hear of people who come from a long-term young love, whose identity cannot be seperate from their partners. Always 1/2 of a pair, like Liza is to Enrique. Or those who had no time to grow into their own person because they were in serial relationships and constantly morphed to complement their partners. I didn't know not everyone knows themselves at the level that I do. And my brain cannot comprehend how others can allow another to mistreat them.
And so, I am thankful for the revolutionary years I was forced and that I forced myself to focus on myself. Because regardless of our tumultuous beginning and being imperfect people, I am able to have a healthy relationship the moment I decided to enter one. That I know what I want out of a relationship, my expectations. That I knew my non-negotiables from the get-go enough to not compromise them, instead of figuring them out along the way. That I am able to communicate all these properly because I once had to teach them to myself in kind ways. That my partner isn't my sole source of validation because I know my truths on my own. That I do not feel empty or bored when my partner is away, because I know of a million ways to entertain myself alone or with other people, whichever my mood prefers. That I can love another person because I learned and am still learning to do it to myself. That my relationship does not revolve around only the two of us, because we each have a whole life to integrate, a whole world to merge together. (Oh how fun!) That I am infinitely thrilled to get to know someone because I know just how much of a universe can exist inside a person. And that, in the words of Kim Molina, "na merong AKO, habang merong TAYO."
So if you are single at this time, even though it may not feel like it, try to enjoy such a revolutionary time. Whatever you do in such a time will manifest itself when you're already in a relationship. And if you do it right, it'll pay off ten-folds, I promise? hope. And if you happen to get involved with the wrong person, you will at least know when to leave. You will know how you're not supposed to be treated. But you will also know when what you have is something good, and not jeopardize it.
Being single is a revolutionary time because it is when we discover that we can be self-sufficient and build ourselves as such, while also learning how to be open to the world without either suppressing ourselves or risking our own welfare.
In the meantime, Happy Valentine’s. If it feels extra difficult this time around, remember you don't have to take it seriously. It's just an arbitrary capitalist construct designed to exploit the human desire to be wanted, loved, and valued and you have the full agency to decide your level of participation at any given time.